This is a piece from 366 which I’ve reworked a little for City Child.
Ocean
Eagle
Puerto Rico, alone
my first airplane
momma on the other side
her last holiday
before agoraphobia
while the uneventful flight
moved up the Atlantic
the tanker Ocean Eagle ran aground
at the entrance to San Juan Harbor
and broke in two
five thousand tonnes of Venezuelan oil
spread westward
from Punta Salinas to Condado
my mother’s arms opened
at the airport
and I ran to her
Playita del Condado
had small waves
golden sand and palm trees
the ocean warmed my winter bones
momma wore pointy sunglasses
and watched me play for hours
while the sun burned
city skin
sardines were stressed
we didn’t know it yet
until the chemical aroma
of crude wafted
tarballs in the ocean
then on my body, inking tattoos
to be scrubbed off
with a wire brush
by strangers
more concerned than kind
three hundred pelicans killed
oiled to death
diving headfirst into the water
among the casualties
sea urchins
spiny lobsters, octopi
after that the beaches were closed.
the world historic and the time of life moment
ReplyDeleteit is a great thing to do
this genre ought to have a name
maybe it does?
I don't know how I feel about the last line
does everything come to an understated fact ?
maybe that is the best way to go
Hi Magdalena, here is my first reaction after having read your poem :
ReplyDeleteAfter that the beaches were closed: instead of a last line, it could become the title, or the first line for the poem… It manages more tension, more suspens, at least so it seems to me! But the more I think about it the more this sentence sounds like a title! Ocean Eagle is already mentioned into the poem and it’s enough I suppose.
I really really love the image of the crude oil spread into the harbor that you parallel with the mother’s arms and the child running to her
I’m surprised by the spelling of tons … you wrote tonnes exactly like in French…
I would see the two last stanzas a little bit reorganized (no need to add killed after pelicans, it dilutes the power of the image and expression oiled to death)
among the casualties
sea urchins
spiny lobsters, octopi
and diving headfirst into the water
three hundred pelicans
oiled to death
I may come back with other ideas … or just for my pleasure of reading it, it’s a very nice poem!
Nice historic and perspective Magdalena. There is a lucidity in your reporting rendition that inspires imagination.
ReplyDeleteI too wondered about the last line. Perhaps this line is could be an empathetic opportunity as if spoken by or on behalf of the beach, such as (only as eg :) after that the beaches mourned their passing / or beach cried ...something or somthing.
Great suggestions everyone - please don’t stop the superb feedback (I’ll aim to do the same) - I can’t tell you how helpful it has been for me on a project I’ve been struggling with for some time in different voices and genres (and totally agree about the last line being deflating). Here’s my attempt at a rework:
ReplyDeleteThe Beaches Were Closed
Puerto Rico, alone
my first airplane
momma on the other side
her last holiday
before agoraphobia
while the uneventful flight
moved up the Atlantic
the tanker Ocean Eagle ran aground
at the entrance to San Juan Harbor
and broke in two
five thousand tonnes of Venezuelan oil
spread westward
from Punta Salinas to Condado
my mother’s arms opened
at the airport
and I ran to her
Playita del Condado
had small waves
golden sand and palm trees
the ocean warmed my winter bones
momma wore pointy sunglasses
and watched me play for hours
while the sun burned
city skin
sardines were stressed
we didn’t know it yet
until the chemical aroma
of crude wafted
tarballs in the ocean
then on my body, inking tattoos
to be scrubbed off
with a wire brush
by strangers
more concerned than kind
among the casualties
sea urchins
spiny lobsters, octopi
three hundred pelicans
oiled to death
diving headfirst into the water
OK! it's fine, and glad my comment may help!
ReplyDelete