asmaradana
~ fifth song ~
give me a word
for this
when morning drizzle
drops like grains of salt
falling nearly
silent
a thousand flash kisses
wet my window
they roll down
making lines
like tracks on a face
tears etched
after hearing
a simple I miss you
the meeting of lovers
long overdue
Dear all,
ReplyDeletethis fifth song is about falling in love (after 'youth' in the fourth poem).
1. Does this work as a complete poem?
2. Does this work as part of the song cycle?
3. I have an alternate title for this (onomatopoeia of morning drizzle). Should I put it or not?
Thank you :)
stick with the title yv got Chrys -- onomatopoeia - apart from being a bugger to spell, is a much debated topic, and I doubt that it's helpful for yr readers to be thinking about the subject matter from that point of view
ReplyDeleteYes, I prefer the current title. I think it works as a complete poem (very delicate and lovely). I think it could also work as part of the song cycle.
ReplyDeleteDear Chrys, as kit and Magdalena do do, I prefer your current title, (which is a song in itsef already!)
ReplyDeleteMy feeling is : The poem unfolds itself delicatly and beautifully till the penultimate stanza, this "I miss you" being the lovely climax ... my concern goes to the two last lines... yes they draw a conclusion, it is what we have to understand, this longing, but to my ears they don't sound as poetic as the rest of the poem and it's maybe too bad to end the poem with these words... I wonder whether they are necessary or not, whether you could find another way of expressing or telling how long you've been waiting for each other... Could a hint of dates do? things or facts that would show the many weeks spend "separated" ...? Anyhow, it's a wonderful complete poem and could be part of the song cycle. Also, I played with line breaks and see below what I ended with:
give me a word
for this
when morning drizzle
drops like
grains of salt
falling
nearly silent a
thousand flash
kisses wet
my window
they roll down
making lines
like tracks on a face
tears etched
after hearing a simple (or mere?)
I miss you
the meeting of lovers long
overdue
I really like this - just three words I think not needed or replace - 1. etched 2. after (hearing and 3. 'Long'
ReplyDeleteI find 'etched' to hard for such skin and 'after' alters the rhythm and 'long' - ditto. Replace etched and try it without after & long.
My above is just tinkering - your poem is complete as an idea, it fits well after youth in your cycle and yes stick with the title. Good luck:)