# 3 Something
series- one (could become two, three or last of the series, this is not really yet decided)
(Draft two; draft one was posted as # 271 on Project 365+1 blog)
So-
me thing.
Far
from superficial.
Whirling
around and around and
around
till it falls
down
to the ground. Drifted away and dragging its tips. Raking noise.
It drills
and carves a dance inside what is more
than your body. It echoes the whole
life
process through the flaming colors of autumnal trees. Something like
a
tongue. Or better a shadow of a tongue
is
never
far. Is the root or say the spring
of
fire itself…
Don’t
ask
how
to
re-
deem
the
lea-
ves
.
.
.
Quel-
que chose.
Rien de
superficiel.
Tourbillonnant
et tour et tournicotant
jusqu’à tomber
par terre.
Emporté et traînant ses pointes. Raclage.
Son bruit fore et
grave dans ce qui est plus
que votre
corps. Il résonne de l’entier
processus de
vie grâce aux couleurs flamboyantes des arbres d’automne. Quelque chose
comme une
langue. Ou mieux une ombre de langue
n’est
jamais loin. Etant même la racine disons la source
du feu
lui-même…
ne demandez pas
comment
rache-
ter
les
feuil-
les
.
.
.
v challenging last line
ReplyDeletethat redeem has so many possibilities
... as in coupons at a supermarket, as in business with God, and all in between
kind of a riddle
Love this concrete poem Béatrice - it looks arresting on the page and draws the eye as it should. As Kit suggests, the last line (“Don’t ask how...”) is particularly evocative and the way you structure it adds to it. My only suggestion is the line "or say the spring”. I find the word “say” to be too conversational for the intensity of the poem. I’d remove it and have just “or the spring” which does mess your structure a little but not so much you’d need to replace it. (of course my comments relate only to the English version - I’m not a good enough French speaker to advise on the French one, other than to say it sounds lovely when read aloud and works visually on the page for me).
ReplyDeletethank you to both of you, for reading and commenting! Actually the French version is not a "faithful" translation, but it carries the same intention and is in any case meaning the same as the English version, maybe even more tough, or intense.
ReplyDeleteI really like this crafted, sculptured and pruned tree - I imagine colour could be used... :)
ReplyDeleteYou're right Jeffree, very helpful suggestion! I'll put other colors into the poem, thanks for pointing this out.
ReplyDelete