maskumambang
~ first song ~
in vast ether
warm of womb
embryo floats
embryo waits
for a seat on a line
on the empty staves
for the work in progress
a composition to be called
"life on earth"
nobody knows for sure
whether a symphony
or a concerto in a minor key
the composer could also
discard this note
for being out of time
or out of tune
not part of the chord
wrong for the clef
embryo waits
in vast ether warm of womb
fate still undecided
~ first song ~
in vast ether
warm of womb
embryo floats
embryo waits
for a seat on a line
on the empty staves
for the work in progress
a composition to be called
"life on earth"
nobody knows for sure
whether a symphony
or a concerto in a minor key
the composer could also
discard this note
for being out of time
or out of tune
not part of the chord
wrong for the clef
embryo waits
in vast ether warm of womb
fate still undecided
Hi Chrys! nice song indeed!
ReplyDeletejust one remark: I'm not happy with the "warm of womb" thing
and one suggestion ... I just changed the order of lines and displayed the song on the page ... It's just reflecting the way i felt it ...
in vast ether
embryo floats
in the warmth of womb
embryo waits
for a seat on a line
on the empty staves
whether a symphony
or a concerto in a minor key
nobody knows
for the work in progress
a composition to be called
"life on earth"
the composer could also
discard this note
for being out of time
or out of tune
not part of the chord
wrong for the clef
embryo waits
warm in the vast ether of womb
fate still undecided
sorry! the display on this blog page is not the one I had on my computer ... but basicalelly I changed the column into a more playful disposition, the way a musical core could look like ... It's my own fantasy and it's up to you to do the way you feel it!
ReplyDeleteThank you, Beatrice. Much appreciated! :)
ReplyDeleteHi Chrys, this is lovely. I understand what Beatrice means about Warm of Womb but I wouldn’t like to lost the idea either, especially since it’s repeated. I think it’s just a little clumsy. How about Womb warm? That has the same meaning I think but is smoother and doesn’t halt the poem’s progression. Also I’d lost the “still” in the final line for greater impact - eg “fate undecided”.
ReplyDeleteI would defend
ReplyDeletewarm of womb
it is concise and innovative
and a lot more effective than womb warm
because the OF is important
it is about place