Thursday, January 5, 2017

Chrysogonus Siddha #1 - maskumambang

maskumambang 
~ first song ~

in vast ether
warm of womb
embryo floats

embryo waits
for a seat on a line
on the empty staves

for the work in progress
a composition to be called
"life on earth"

nobody knows for sure
whether a symphony
or a concerto in a minor key

the composer could also
discard this note
for being out of time

or out of tune
not part of the chord
wrong for the clef

embryo waits
in vast ether warm of womb
fate still undecided


5 comments:

  1. Hi Chrys! nice song indeed!

    just one remark: I'm not happy with the "warm of womb" thing

    and one suggestion ... I just changed the order of lines and displayed the song on the page ... It's just reflecting the way i felt it ...


    in vast ether
    embryo floats
    in the warmth of womb

    embryo waits
    for a seat on a line
    on the empty staves

    whether a symphony
    or a concerto in a minor key
    nobody knows

    for the work in progress
    a composition to be called
    "life on earth"

    the composer could also
    discard this note
    for being out of time

    or out of tune
    not part of the chord
    wrong for the clef

    embryo waits
    warm in the vast ether of womb
    fate still undecided

    ReplyDelete
  2. sorry! the display on this blog page is not the one I had on my computer ... but basicalelly I changed the column into a more playful disposition, the way a musical core could look like ... It's my own fantasy and it's up to you to do the way you feel it!

    ReplyDelete
  3. Thank you, Beatrice. Much appreciated! :)

    ReplyDelete
  4. Hi Chrys, this is lovely. I understand what Beatrice means about Warm of Womb but I wouldn’t like to lost the idea either, especially since it’s repeated. I think it’s just a little clumsy. How about Womb warm? That has the same meaning I think but is smoother and doesn’t halt the poem’s progression. Also I’d lost the “still” in the final line for greater impact - eg “fate undecided”.

    ReplyDelete
  5. I would defend
    warm of womb

    it is concise and innovative
    and a lot more effective than womb warm
    because the OF is important
    it is about place

    ReplyDelete