Thursday, January 12, 2017

Chrysogonus Siddha #2 - Mijil

~ second song ~

primordial dilemma
to rise before sun
meets the eyes

should the womb one
greet cold air
sorrow lurks out there

fifty shades of sin
deafen in the key
of pain major

is it better to stay
in stillness, tepid touching
womb walls

ether of the upper reaches
in the inner world
tempts stay

in absence of pulse
in absence of breath
decided for eternity

it is the moment here


  1. that feels pretty finished to me, but how is it in Indonesian?

  2. Dear Chrys, I must be dense (or today's been longer than I thought), but it was only after reading this many times that I began to understand it. It contains so much sorrow, and much here turns away from that. Which I feel must be true to the moment.

  3. Dear Chrys,

    I love what you express in this poem, my only comment/question would be about line 6: this sorrow you point out, which lurks out there, sounds like an explanation to me and I'd like something that makes me feel it rather than being told what it is ... well I know... easier said than done!! anyway it's a lovely poem

  4. Greetings Chrys I really get 'rise before the sun (the PD)'
    This is a very, very fine piece to me :)
    My only suggestion is regarding 'fifty shades of sin deafen in the key of pain major'
    perhaps 'fifty shades of sin deafen in the major key of pain'
    or fifty shades of sin deafens in the major key of pain'

  5. I like pain major
    I think the idea of the key is there, doesn't need further spelling out

  6. on the sorrow point Beatrice is making ...
    maybe it would be better as a question --

    is it sorrow lurks out there?

  7. Thank you, Jefree, Beatrice and Rob.

    I will revise this.