Monday, January 16, 2017

Jeff Skewes # 3 My Island

My island
from the air
looks like a fish
surrounded by seas
I never drifted from

On my island
in my dreams I pictured
an uncommon certainty
neither barbarous or Utopian
an odyssey that sets free

birds of the same feather
share every day's treasure
seek only in return
solely the unwavering
thirst for knowledge

what lies beyond reach
what gift do I carry?
or ticket conjured
what can I offer
but thirst

not knowing or believing
free spirits do soar
high within these airs and eyes
trained beyond obviousness
is a little further

because my island
is like a fish
sailing comes natural
just upside down

the current's a breeze

image: Silk on the Road / marquette / detail3. draft installation - desert sand, silk, dyes, rice paper, ink, lighting  - j skewes

365+1  'My Island version see  here


  1. I redrafted this piece from 366 posted in August 2016
    (see the link under this version above. I wasn't happy with quite a bit of it).
    Here I wonder most about 3rd stanza...I like the words but struggle with its flow or pace.
    In my journey I have posited this Island as my #3 with in mind affirming here the simple (and natural) purpose to leave 'My islansd' reflecting on the beginnings of the jounery.

  2. birds of the same feather
    share every day's treasure
    seek only in return
    solely the unwavering
    thirst for knowledge

    the third stanza

    I think it's got two problems
    the half rhyme between treasure and feather is distracting

    so close together
    feel like tautology even if they're not

    sometimes the ticket is to write the whole thing in terms of intention in the simplest prose possible
    and then try to take that apart and add imagery and rhythm to get the poem you want

    easy to say, I know!

  3. I think the 3rd stanza is a bit of a departure from the meaning of the other stanzas. Could be enlarged on or deleted I guess. Maybe just re-order so it's closer to the 5th stanza that can connect with the idea of soaring.

  4. forgot to say, it's a lovely idea!

  5. Same remarks : only and solely so close together sound odd... There is a French song that says : "un petit poisson un petit oiseau s'aimaient d'amour tendre, mais comment s'y prendre quand on est dans l'air, quand on est dans l'eau" (a liitle fish and a little bird loved each other tenderly, but how to do when one is into the water, when one is in the air....) It seems to me that this island of yours could answer this issue!

  6. Thank you all for your excellent advice. Your assistence is invaluable ...
    I revised and reposted My Island