My island
from the air
looks like a fish
surrounded by seas
I never drifted from
On my island
in my dreams I pictured
an uncommon certainty
neither barbarous or Utopian
an odyssey that sets free
birds of the same feather
share every day's treasure
seek only in return
solely the unwavering
thirst for knowledge
what lies beyond reach
what gift do I carry?
or ticket conjured
what can I offer
but thirst
not knowing or believing
free spirits do soar
high within these airs and eyes
trained beyond obviousness
is a little further
because my island
is like a fish
sailing comes natural
just upside down
the current's a breeze
image: Silk on the Road / marquette / detail3. draft installation - desert sand, silk, dyes, rice paper, ink, lighting - j skewes
I redrafted this piece from 366 posted in August 2016
ReplyDelete(see the link under this version above. I wasn't happy with quite a bit of it).
Here I wonder most about 3rd stanza...I like the words but struggle with its flow or pace.
In my journey I have posited this Island as my #3 with in mind affirming here the simple (and natural) purpose to leave 'My islansd' reflecting on the beginnings of the jounery.
birds of the same feather
ReplyDeleteshare every day's treasure
seek only in return
solely the unwavering
thirst for knowledge
the third stanza
I think it's got two problems
the half rhyme between treasure and feather is distracting
and
only
and
solely
so close together
feel like tautology even if they're not
sometimes the ticket is to write the whole thing in terms of intention in the simplest prose possible
and then try to take that apart and add imagery and rhythm to get the poem you want
easy to say, I know!
I think the 3rd stanza is a bit of a departure from the meaning of the other stanzas. Could be enlarged on or deleted I guess. Maybe just re-order so it's closer to the 5th stanza that can connect with the idea of soaring.
ReplyDeleteforgot to say, it's a lovely idea!
ReplyDeleteSame remarks : only and solely so close together sound odd... There is a French song that says : "un petit poisson un petit oiseau s'aimaient d'amour tendre, mais comment s'y prendre quand on est dans l'air, quand on est dans l'eau" (a liitle fish and a little bird loved each other tenderly, but how to do when one is into the water, when one is in the air....) It seems to me that this island of yours could answer this issue!
ReplyDeleteThank you all for your excellent advice. Your assistence is invaluable ...
ReplyDeleteI revised and reposted My Island