between us
Travaillons sans raisonner, dit Martin, c'est le seul moyen de rendre la vie
supportable.
- Candide
all this distance
could be weather
could be time
so much to see
so much to do
between us
everything is true
such farewells
and such fond greetings
all that we may know
who's who
between us
a dabble
a dribble of paint
like spittle link
or stray pube joining
that's how biblical we are
mainly between us
it's music
notes run
at their rhythm each
into chord crossings
cadences no one
could ever have guessed
between us
a history of callings
in the pillow gap
some dream set free
to range like love said
between us
all the garden tends
how did we come to words?
I know song lyrics are poems, but I'm not sure to what extent I should think of this as a song...
ReplyDeleteif I did though, then probably the refrain might be ---
so much to see
so much to do
between us
everything is true
such farewells
and such fond greetings
all that we may know
who's who
(not that I have any music in mind at this point!)
but considering it simply as a poem, I think the question is - is there enough of a story / argument here? And if not, then what's missing? And if it really is simply a poem, then is the part that could be the refrain too musical / too rhythmic for the rest?
Or would it need to be matched - i.e. give the whole thing more of a verse and refrain structure?
Perhaps the song form is just a happy and thankful development,
DeleteI would suggest a simpler refrain 'so much to see so much to do / between us / everything is true... and stop there just because it feels easier on the tongue.
(If a song and if inclined one could even use two differing refrains by extending versions that include the 'such farewells... etc.
Back to the poem as a poem; I enjoyed this piece very much as a complete love/loss/love poem of metaphoric and philosophic intent with its dual meaning upper-chops as a good deal of godbothering.
I admire your use of rhythm and musical device particularly as the poem's spareness and sharp universal allegory is helped by pacing even if this seems so ever so slightly melodic...if you know what I mean.
I do think I like your piece more as intellectual poetry than song but who's to say both can't be achieved?
I do actually write songs with music (guitar or uke) ... but I write a lot more lyrics in this kind of form without any tune in my head ...
Deletepossibly I should just be making more effort to find a tune and chords and to actually see if I can make them work as songs ... guess I'm just a lazy bastard
not happy with the first stanza either, now I look at it again
ReplyDelete(I think it's the influence of yesterday's poem and the dream that formed it)
Art, dreaming and clouds are a perfect influence most of the time :)
DeleteThe way I read it aloud seems to indicate this :
ReplyDeleteall this distance could be
weather
could be time
so much to see
so much to do
between us
everything is true
such farewells and such
fond greetings all
that we may know
who's who
between us a dabble
a dribble of paint
like spittle link
or stray pube
joining
that's how biblical we are
mainly between us
it's music
notes run
at their rhythm
each into chord crossings
cadences no one could
ever have guessed
between us a history
of callings
in the pillow gap
some dream set free to range
like love said
between us
the garden tends (erase all)
how did we come to words?
This seems like a love poem. How does it relate to Godsbother? And how does the Candide quote fit?
ReplyDeletethis is a poem about words and God and love
ReplyDeleteGospel of John -- in the beginning was the word ... and what was the word, and with whom was the word?
what does it mean to be a god of love
omniscient, omnipresent
with you in all the gritty detail of life
then how can this not have a sexual aspect ?
(hence the biblical pun)
are words the work of life or love?
shouldn't we just get on with?
...
not sure what you mean by erase all, Beatrice?
I meant don't keep "all the garden" tends etc , better to have "the garden" tends ...
ReplyDelete