Tuesday, January 24, 2017

Chrysogonus Siddha #4 - Sinom

~ fourth song ~

they teach him
the pride of men

in feet that gallop
in a brawl for a ball

in a cascade of sweat
from the hair

it soaks the cheeks,
it wets the lips

they tell him
to run, to chase

in their eyes
this should be his pride

a boy who locks himself
in a roomful of books


  1. Dear all,

    my questions for this poem are:

    1. Does this work as a complete work in itself?
    2. This is supposed to be the fourth part of the series, which talks about 'adolescence'. Does this reflect the theme?
    3. Any suggestion on how to improve this piece?

    Thank you so much. :)

  2. Dear Chrys,

    just after reading this poem, my impression is that it's not finished yet. It's late here in the US, so I'll be back to your poem tomorrow morning with maybe suggestions an fresh ideas!!

  3. I guess we want to know what happens in the room full of books
    ... but that doesn't mean we're going to find out

  4. Yes I am left wanting more.
    Maybe this story that has become poetry could be in the books he is reading!

    I think this piece reflects your central theme and is a very worthy poem to spotlight the miriad o adolescence.

    What about some more of the adolescent contradictions or irony just to round in out? More couplets, more content, more story?
    I really like the closing stanza.

  5. I like the effects of sound in this poem, the alliteration, the assonance, like syncopation. It's like a drumbeat that you're forced to follow. You're delineating important markers of conventional masculinity, how they feel from the inside, that pressure of conformity.

  6. Thank you for all the suggestions. I will try to fix this :)