Memory
and Sleeping Pills
Not everything in the memory
banks is linguistic
tapping into pre-language experiences
requires a different mode
a blurring of the distinctions
between speech-specific processes
and other forms of perception.
I wasn’t quite one
I had a few words
for example, I was able to shout “Mommy”
while banging on the bathroom door
I was able to walk, label things
to clearly articulate what I wanted
I didn’t know the word for fear
it was more of a smell, a colour, a
sensation
with its origins in the stomach
rather than the prefrontal cortex
I felt it coming on
a buzz through the skin
a sensation I could do nothing
about
my mother was tired, pacing the small apartment
not cooking, not eating, just crying
I was too little
aware but not aware
in the moment when she disappeared
into the bathroom of endless sleep
I knew I had to get that door to open
so I banged, chubby fingers blackening
against the solidity of that door
I shouted until the sound of my voice was
pure
vibration
I don’t remember what happened
beyond that point
help must have arrived
at the hospital
my grandmother spoke sharply
to my coughing, teary mother
about my future and her obligations
she took over our house
cleaning, cooking, sorting, smoothing
the smell of fresh coffee
penetrating my pores, teaching me
what safety meant
after that language flooded in
and everything changed.
