gambuh
~ sixth song ~
a buzzing lamp, the only witness
last drop of tea tossed down
his throat from a giant cup
that big man, my grandfather
sat alone by the table, empty
plates from his dinner remained
on a brown lazy susan, four
chairs
stood in the room, three were
empty
just spaces for the light to sit
two had no importance for him
only that seat to his right mattered
being for the ghost only he
could see
already there four years, taking
the place
of a flesh-and-blood woman, his
company
for every meal, before and since
her dementia
this was the one face he could
always conjure up
from memory, made real with the
help
of one or two thin flasks of
vodka
stored in his fridge, just
within reach
conveniently placed, next to the
insulin
maybe a gulp for tonight, a
quick one
elixir sating a thirst for
seeing
details of that face once again
before eyes called for sleep
a buzzing lamp, the only witness
last dram gulped down
his throat from a giant’s cup
This is the sixth entry for the song cycle. It is supposed to be about 'marriage' that follows after 'love' in the fifth entry. However, this is more of a look back of the marriage.
ReplyDelete1. Does this still work as a part of the cycle?
2. Does this work as a finished poem?
Hi Chrys, I’d say Yes to both questions. I like the repetition of a buzzing lamp, the only witness, and the melancholy that suffuses the piece. I also like the last line and the overall shape of it (bulging in the middle). But I think it’s just a bit prosaic for a song and might be improved by removing a few extraneous words. For example, you could take out sat in the second stanza. To sit could be removed from the third stanza. I’d go through it and remove whatever comes out without impact - to increase the flow and power of what’s left and really amp up the sense of loss.
ReplyDeletemaybe they're not really songs, but more like descriptions of songs? or settings for songs?
ReplyDeleteWell, to be honest, even though Macapat is really a song cycle, I wanted to write a series of poems based on the theme of each song there.
ReplyDeleteHi Chrys, I'd answer yes to your two questions, and as kit mentioned, these poems are more about settings for songs to my eyes, rather than real songs. I feel you could do better to enhance the melancholy atmosphere. It's like we are looking at a distance,hearing the grandson's comments which are needed of course, but sometimes I would like to be inside the grandpa's mind, inside his very heart ... let us see the details of this loved face, let us share with him the effect of alcohol ...
ReplyDeleteI think this is teetering on the edge of the finished poem. I feel a large hand coming sweeping through the air, something, some action between this intently knowing child/man and the ancestor. It would be the binder, in my view. How hard or how slight, is up to you.
ReplyDelete