tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3885784058796895333.post6557353286226631468..comments2023-06-04T17:49:10.461+10:00Comments on Project 52: Magdalena Ball - City Child - 1Kit Kelenhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01039514155142268468noreply@blogger.comBlogger6125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3885784058796895333.post-31178394793551743332017-01-06T11:11:16.537+11:002017-01-06T11:11:16.537+11:00Great advice - thanks Nathanael. I’ve been strugg...Great advice - thanks Nathanael. I’ve been struggling with the whole memoir thing for a while now in prose and now in poetry and I think you’re right - it’s easy to slip into recount narrative (eg “did I ever tell you about the time”). I’m going to try your idea and recast in present tense with more showing and will put a new version above the old. So glad this is actually working like a workshop rather than just encouragement (the cheerleading was really nice in 366 but I like the idea of using this platform for working on things that are trickier but that we don’t want to give up on rather than our best showcase work. Magdalena Ballhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00182314078304734996noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3885784058796895333.post-21853275021314332692017-01-05T10:05:08.867+11:002017-01-05T10:05:08.867+11:00Magdalena, I really like the poem, especially the ...Magdalena, I really like the poem, especially the first line (as Kit mentioned) and the last stanza, which is quite powerful. My only problem with the poem is that there is a bit much telling and not enough showing - I have written a lot of autobiographical past-tense poems and have struggled with the issue myself. I think showing v. telling is always a problem with autobiographical/memoir works. Perhaps you could try it in present tense, which would make it more immediate, and also try showing the emotion (e.g. "in a panic") rather than naming it.Nathanael O'Reillyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04458387905146803981noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3885784058796895333.post-33261157858660179812017-01-04T14:40:56.935+11:002017-01-04T14:40:56.935+11:00Béatrice, your suggestions are spot on! Thank you...Béatrice, your suggestions are spot on! Thank you so much for this - I think you really got to the heart of what was bugging me here - not just the constriction which Kit pointed out (and picked out what worked best), but the rhythm of the thing. Changing the structure/line breaks really helps I think with opening out the meaning. I can’t tell you how much I appreciate your insightfulness - I’ve updated with most of your suggestions (and cleaned it up a bit more too). Magdalena Ballhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00182314078304734996noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3885784058796895333.post-67611050236991086952017-01-04T14:31:03.036+11:002017-01-04T14:31:03.036+11:00This is very helpful, Kit, especially since the bi...This is very helpful, Kit, especially since the bit that is really confounding me about the verse memoir is that I feel it needs more ambiguity - more of the openness that I like in poetry. I think I will take your suggestion for the title and play with enhancing the ambiguity through line breaks as per Béatrice’s suggestion below. Thank you. Magdalena Ballhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00182314078304734996noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3885784058796895333.post-46588117447722962632017-01-04T07:52:48.113+11:002017-01-04T07:52:48.113+11:00When reading out loud the poem I felt like changin...When reading out loud the poem I felt like changing some line breaks ... I might be completly wrong and too much impregnanted with something "French" in the music I like to hear .... anyway here is my suggestion:<br /><br /><br />I rarely went outside my skin <br />was milk white<br />blue veined shadowed <br />beneath the eyes<br />a city child<br /><br />I didn’t sleep much at night<br />sound travelled upward <br />into the apartment I read <br />till morning torch <br />under cover<br />lost in story<br /><br />Dad bought secondhand bikes<br />took my brother and me<br />to Central Park for sunshine <br />on bi-weekly access visits<br /><br /><br />my brother rode perfectly <br />first go but I was <br />always falling over<br />trying to catch up<br /><br />when I finally got it I took <br />off drunk on freedom <br />zooming ahead <br /><br />the others could catch up with me <br />for a change<br /><br />finally I stopped<br />realising I was alone<br />in a panic, I fell off<br />skinning my knee<br />I wouldn’t cry, I was nearly eight<br /><br />a man who looked like the peddler<br />from Caps for Sale<br />was selling ice creams<br />he saw me fall and<br />offered a vanilla cone<br />as medicine<br /><br />soothed by creaminess <br />I offered to help him<br />sorted his messy cart <br />by flavour and type<br /><br />my face was cool as I leaned into the cart<br />handing out popsicles, sundae cups<br />crunch bars<br />between customers he told me how he <br />once also got lost in the park<br />and found his way out<br />using lamp-posts labels <br /><br />at foot level then <br />he showed me a whole other park<br />black and yellow garden spiders<br />lady beetles, vibrant grasshoppers<br />a Chinese mantis peering up <br />like a vexed alien<br /><br />by the time my dad came <br />running towards me<br />with two policemen I had <br />forgotten I was lost. <br />Béatrice MACHEThttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07296584755071209068noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3885784058796895333.post-82576569621985735582017-01-03T10:23:47.642+11:002017-01-03T10:23:47.642+11:00great ending
-- in fact that would make a really ...great ending <br />-- in fact that would make a really interesting title <br /><br />...<br />but I particularly like <br /><br />I rarely went outside my skin <br /><br /><br />not sure how intended that double reading was... but I think (as a lover of ambiguity) that would be something interesting to work with Kit Kelenhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01039514155142268468noreply@blogger.com